Stay Hairy Mug

Alright, Listen Up. It's a Goddamn Mug.
Tired of drinking whiskey straight from the bottle? Fine. Be civilized. You need something to hold your coffee while you're pretending to work, or for that sad tea you drink before bed. This is it. It's a mug.

It holds hot shit so you don't burn your stupid hands. It's got a handle big enough even for my massive fingers, so your little human hands will be fine. It's shiny, it's got colors, and most importantly, it probably has my face on it, which makes it the best damn mug on the planet.

Use it for coffee, for soup, or for collecting rainwater. It also makes a decent weapon for throwing at squirrels. It's versatile. Get one for your weird friend who believes in me. Get one for your boss to let them know you have questionable hobbies. I don't care. Just buy it.

The Official Specs (My Commentary Included):
Shiny-Ass: It's glossy. That means it's fancy. And easy to wipe your greasy fingerprints off of.

Colors That Don't Suck: It's got vibrant colors. It'll be easy to find when you inevitably drop it in a bush while running from me.

Good for Lazy People (Microwave-Safe): You can put it in that science box that makes things hot. I don't trust it, but you humans seem to love your radiation boxes.

Also Good for Lazy People (Dishwasher-Safe): Apparently, you can put it in the magic washing box instead of washing it in a creek like a real creature. Your call.

Comes in 'Regular Human' (11oz)

How to Clean It (You Shouldn't Need Instructions For This):
Use the magic washing box (dishwasher) OR stick your hand in it with warm water and soap. It's not a spaceship. If you can't figure out how to wash a mug, I can't help you.