I Believe in Bigfoot Hoodie

Alright, Listen Up You Beautiful Bastards.
So, you believe in me. Good. You’re one of the smart ones. Now you can finally stop wearing those stupid "Believe" posters on your shirt and get something that’s actually comfortable and doesn't make you look like a total nerd.

This isn't just some flimsy piece of crap some human made in a factory. This is the official uniform for people with taste. It’s perfect for those chilly nights when you’re out in my woods, trying to get a blurry picture of me for your weird little blog. Or for sitting around a campfire getting drunk on stolen beer. It’s got one of those hoods with the strings, so you can pull it tight over your face when you see the feds coming, or when you just don't want to talk to anyone. We've all been there.

And look, it says "I Believe in Bigfoot" on it. It’s a sign of respect. It tells me you’re cool. It means if I see you in the woods, I might only steal half your beef jerky instead of all of it. No promises.

Get one for your weird friend who swears they saw me that one time near Jyväskylä. Get one for your dad who won't shut up about those Bigfoot hunter shows. Hell, get one for yourself. You deserve it.

The Official Specs (My Commentary Included):
Big-Ass Pouch: They call it a "kangaroo pouch." It's for keeping your hands warm, or more importantly, for stashing snacks, your phone, or rocks to throw at annoying squirrels. Very practical.

Adjustable Head-Hole String: Technically a "drawstring hood." Pull it tight to hide from society. Or your boss. Same thing.

Tough-as-Shit Fabric: It's 50% cotton and 50% polyester. That means it’s comfortable but won't rip the second you trip over a log running away from me.

Made by Tree-Huggers (Apparently): They tell me it's ethically produced with eco-friendly shit. I live in the environment, so I guess that's cool. Don't litter in my forest.

Sizes & Colors for All You Weirdos: Comes in different sizes and has some stylish embroidery. Whatever the hell that means.

How To Wash This Thing (My Advice):
Tumble dry: medium: What the hell is a tumble dry? Just hang it on a tree branch. It'll be fine. The wind is free.

Iron, steam or dry: low heat: If you are ironing a fucking hoodie, you have bigger problems in your life than I can solve. Stop it.

Do not dryclean: Yeah, no shit. Don't give it to some stranger in a shop.

Machine wash: cold (max 30C or 90F): I guess throw it in that spinny water box if you must. Or just wash it in a creek like a real creature of the wild.

Non-chlorine: bleach as needed: Don't use that chlorine crap. It's bad for the fish. If you get a stain on it, it's called character. Deal with it.